Two long years

April 29, 2014

Wow, it’s been a while internet. 

I’m not sure why I feel compelled to update this blog. I’m bored, so why the heck not.

A lot has changed over the past two years. My life, in all essence should be considered perfect. I have what would be considered my dream job, in January I landed a new IT Support role. It’s 1st line, and to be honest I think I want it to stay that way. I’m not really responsible for anything to tedious, I go to work for 8.30 and I’m out the door by 17.00. The job is flexible. I can work from home two times a week and if I come in late to the office no one bats an eye. If theres anything I don’t want to deal with, I escalate it to the one other guy in the IT department. It’s awesome.

I’m not particularly short of money. I just choose to waste an awful lot of it on materialistic things. I never really noticed this until I got talking to a guy at work, about religion of all things. He’s a Muslim, and asked me if I’m religious at all. I told him I was open to the idea of there being a ‘God’ but I’m a ‘seeing is believing’ kind of guy. He started talking to me about Islam and I started looking into it a little more. Out of the 3-4 religions I have read about in the past, Islam makes the most sense to me. But, alas, back to my original point. He asked me why I was here, on this earth. My answer was to enjoy life and be as happy as I can be in between. But, what he said afterwards really struck a chord with me. He asked me, if I was truly happy. And, if I was, what makes me happy? He said that “famous people all over the world, who appear to have everything. Money, girls, cars and fame, they have it all. However, why are so many of them unhappy?”

I realised at that moment, I use materialistic things to keep me happy for a short while, and then I move on. I move on, and the moment the happiness is emptied from that material possession, I move onto something else. I never really realised this before, and at the moment I’m in a really weird place of trying to discover what makes me happy. As in, truly. I’ve spent a lot of time with friends recently, and that makes me happy. But, as with probably every friendship, you start to get tired of peoples company. I know that’s not wrong. Everyone needs some alone time, and I probably drive my friends to tears as much as some of them do to me at times. So then I sit there by myself, watching TV shows or reading. But then I feel alone. 

Then I decide that I need some form of a hobby. Video Games are a hobby. But then that leads me to the materialistic problem of wasting a ton of money on games. I get bored of one, buy another one. I’ve been really well behaved recently. I’ve found one game that I like and I’m really trying hard to be the best I can be at it. But, that game isn’t fun when I’m on my own, I have to play it with friends. 

Then that leaves me sitting here, quite honestly a little bit depressed. I feel as though my life is literally an endless vicious circle. I can’t count the amount of nights I’ve sat here staring at my computer screen.

I have two solutions:

  1. Find more productive hobbies that don’t cost a lot of money
  2. Try and find a happy balance between current hobbies (and potential new ones).

That lead me to pursuing two things.

  1. I signed up to volunteer for the RNIB about 3 weeks ago. It was an access to IT volunteer who basically travels to peoples homes and help get the access to technology. Be that fixing what they currently have, or completely start out. I’m still waiting to hear back. 
  2. Gym. That starts next week.

Before the guy at work mentioned Happiness and why we are here, I’ve been sitting here assuming how I feel is normal. Like, does everybody feel like this? When I look back, I realise that my life has consisted of that vicious circle for the past nearly 4 years, since I left college. With college, I had something to keep me busy in the evenings. Since I’ve moved into work, I haven’t had anything. No friends I can really go out with in the evenings who live close enough to me to do that, it’s just the same routine. I think the only exception to that was when I lived with Daria for a year or so. 

In other news, Daria and I split up on Friday after what would have been 6 years this time next month. To my friends, it isn’t affecting me. (to my friends, I’m the happiest guy in the world I think) It wouldn’t right? I’m a 23 year old guy who’s been with the same girl for that long and I’m finally “free”. Well, it’s one huge facade. Anybody who comes out of a relationship that long is an absolute bullshitter if they say they aren’t bothered. I need to talk about it, because I’m scared that it’s going to consume me.

You never think it will happen, but somehow it does. I won’t go into the details of what led to it, and I’m not quite sure it was mutual, it’s quite confusing and it all happened so quickly. I sit here, and even every noise I hear reminds me of her. Earlier, a friend was eating something in a wrapper on the microphone and instantly it reminded me  of how flipping noisy she was sometimes when we were watching something. She had a bad habit of sticking her whole hand in the bag of sweets or crisps. And when I say it reminds me of her, it hurt. Literally, I thought about it and my heart hurt. Then the pain led to my arm and I wondered if I was having a heart attack. I wouldn’t wish feeling like this on anybody, and to compound it with generally being unhappy anyways is terrible. I can’t concentrate at work, I spent an hour having a conversations with a friend in the form of gifs. All I’ve eaten today is 4 table spoons of vegetable rice. I also just realised, the day after it happened I purchased £150 worth of new vaping stuff and a new keyboard. Just to illustrate my point of material happiness.

She told me there were a few things to post to my house and what appeared were two boxes to the tune of 34kg. 34kg of memories was in those boxes. I made a joke about getting a whole new wardrobe back as a consolation, but in all honesty I probably wont wear half of these ever again. Some just don’t fit me or are hideous. She even returned items I told her were hers. She returned photographs. Blu-Ray movies, most of which we were super excited to watch in HD together. How the fuck am I expected to watch these? Everything has been promptly rammed to the back of my cupboard, apart from one pair of jeans and a few t shirts. I’ve read an awful lot of advice on a long term relationship coming to an end, and eventually you apparently do move on. I’ll tackle the back of the cupboard in a year or so.

This weekend, me and the lads are going out to try and ‘pull some fat ting’. That’s what single guys who have never been in a LTR think is normal. I’m going, but not to pull. I’m going in an attempt to just try and get all these really weird emotions out of my mind for just one night. if it takes 10 pints of vodka to do it, I’m all for it.

I feel as though in the space of 5 months, my life went to ‘gaining some sort of momentum’ to ‘I have no idea what the hell I’m even doing’. 

I think I just need to take my mind of things, and the sooner I can find those things the better. 

 

 

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