July 30, 2014

Recently, I’ve discovered that I have a huge problem with commitments. Since breaking up with Daria I’ve been really shocked at how many opportunities have come my way for dates, that I have either declined or accepted and got on well with the person and then at some point got cold feet.

On the weekend, I met up with a girl who, on paper, is exactly the right match for me. She’s geeky, likes video games, she knows her way around a computer, she enjoys food (isn’t a fucking vegetarian), she’s funny, witty, outgoing when required to be, but happy to kick back and watch movies.

I met up with her, and confirmed all of the above. I also ascertained that she’s pretty, and definitely girlfriend material. But, no less than 4 days later, two days before date number 2, I’m trying to think of an excuse to cancel it. It’s almost as if, I enjoy the feeling of being wanted, than actually wanting anybody myself.

Tom said that this was because I’m not over Daria, but truth be told I am. When we split up I had time to think about her from a different angle, and I didn’t like her as a person. We weren’t really compatible and probably only stayed together because of the time investment and the familiarity of it all. I have blocked her on pretty much all form of modern communication and don’t miss her in the slightest. If anything, it’s almost like a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I don’t have to explain myself to anybody, justify my actions. I think it’s these feelings that are stopping me from making any commitments, because as far as I know, that’s what is expected of you when you have a girlfriend. It freaks me out when I think, “I have to justify why I’m choosing to sit in this Friday and play games”, or “I have to justify why I want to wear this t-shirt over that one”. But, then I can’t decide whether that was just the person Daria was, and it was our in-compatibility that I had to do that.

But, commitments in terms of relationships aren’t the only thing that freak me out. Commitments with friendships, financial commitments, long term commitments, fitness commitments. They all frighten me, and generally are the sole reason I decide not to do many of them. My last blog post, I committed to getting a motorcycle next year. For the past week, I’ve sat here thinking of the things I could spend that money on instead, and whether a motorcycle is really for me. Compare that attitude to what it was last week, and it’s the complete polar opposite.

I’ve done some research on commitment problems, and although the majority of it is relationship based, one sentence really resounded and made sense.

I’m scared of being let down.

I’ve always been a really spontaneous person, who generally lives in the moment. I like to make decisions quickly, and just do it. This way, I somehow feel in control of my environment and I can deal with anything negative right there and then. I get absolutely terrified of the idea of planning something so far ahead, only for it to fail or be let down. The whole thought of it is just…..I don’t know. All I can think of is, what’s the point in putting effort into something so far in the future if it could all end up in tears?

I need to research a little more on how to deal with long term commitments, and the fears that come with them.

God, that was a ramble.


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